In search of silver linings

Grandma got admitted to hospital.

After one week she thought everything is normal, we don't want to take things easy anymore.

Took her for check up and scan and then confirmed that she's got a tumor in her colon which stops her from clearing her bowel like normal people do.

After CT scan, diagnosed scans and all sorts of checking, finally we got a clear explanation from Dr. Qureshi.

Dad ask: "So is it cancer?"

Doctor said: " Well, it looks like a duck and talks like a duck...so...(everybody looks at every body's face) Anyway, we'll still need to wait for the biopsy after the surgery to further define what the growth is. Chances are, IF it is, she will need to go through chemotherapy in the future after the tumor removal to kill the remaining cells ( which is the saddening and heartbreaking part ) IF it's not, then we're will just be waiting for her to recover from the surgery."

Uncle Mensh asked: "What's the percentage that it is?"

Doctor said: " Almost certainly"

My heart dropped trying to hold myself together and remain calm. But before anything is confirmed everyone of us put a light of hope in our hearts.

I've not left my grandma once the moment I was born. She knows me inside out better than anyone else. I possibly know her if not more, equally same like her own child knows her. I could not bare seeing her sad, the more I could not bare seeing her suffer. She's definitely the greatest mum and the loveliest grandmother.

She just got the tumor removed on 18/01/2011 and after being monitored in HDU, doctor said she recover better than expected (big relieved) so she has been transferred to normal ward as of yesterday, 19/01/2011 late evening.

The joint will be monitored if it has healed completely with no leakage, Dr. Qureshi said there's a 4% leakage. Everybody is praying hard and keeping our fingers crossed that that won't happen.

If it does leak, she'll need to carry an external bag for 2-3 months until the leakage heals completely. That will be devastating.

I'm skipped work second of the half of the day last few days and took family leave yesterday. Thanks to my kind manager who feels me and actually "shoo" me away from work.

Got back to work today even though it's public holiday. Well, I got pay more and many other people will be on leave to visit grandma so i decided to come back to work. Hopefully everything is good back at home and hospital.

Dad can't be 100% independent yet hopefully he remains positive to keep improving on his movements. Hope grandma can be patient because she is still on NaCl drip and could not take food yet.

I have a feeling that things are turning better and bad things are going to be over soon but before the end comes I'll still be wary with situations and changes. My colleague noted me that one day I will be proud that I've been strong to go through hurdles like this and I totally agree with her.

It's 30 minutes to off work and my mind is just waiting to go hospital to see my grandma smile and chat like nothing has happen.

I know everyone of us or the person that we love will leave us one day but thinking of that kills me. I do not think I could ever take that lost. Most probably I will go berserk? depressed? or maybe just stoned for months or lost for years.

-awaiting for the gloomy clouds to fade away-